It's only been a little more than a month.
He's moving on.
Why can't I?
Did four years mean so little to him?
Someone help me, cos I'm breaking at the seams.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
I am in pain.
So much pain that it takes my breath away as if I've been punched hard in the stomach. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and I am not strong enough to keep it up. I don't know any more; the distinction between physical and emotional pain because it is all intertwined. Heartache has wrapped itself around me like a vine and I cannot for the life of me escape it. I am overwhelmed.
I feel...rejected, discarded, thrown away. I feel burdened, overcome, despairing. Unruly, unstable, uneasy. I feel utterly incapable of dealing with my pain. I feel...paralysed, like my body does not care what its doing. I feel emotionally frozen, but in turmoil. I feel so vulnerable, every harsh word digs into me like barbs. I feel suspicious, always second guessing what someone is saying, doing, thinking, feeling. Especially him. I can't get him out of my head.
I am frightened for myself. Sometimes I don't remember huge patches of time. Sometimes I wake up to find my sleeves soaked in blood, and something worse underneath, with no recollection of actually taking the blade to my skin. Sometimes...it is almost impossible to stop myself from downing 60 sleeping tablets, or slitting my throat. Those kinds of thoughts scare me. Because I know that I would do it if in the right mood.
I am in pain.
So much pain.
Everything I touch turns to shit. Everyone I love leaves me. Because I push them away. I pushed him away. And now I'm in agony.
So much pain that it takes my breath away as if I've been punched hard in the stomach. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and I am not strong enough to keep it up. I don't know any more; the distinction between physical and emotional pain because it is all intertwined. Heartache has wrapped itself around me like a vine and I cannot for the life of me escape it. I am overwhelmed.
I feel...rejected, discarded, thrown away. I feel burdened, overcome, despairing. Unruly, unstable, uneasy. I feel utterly incapable of dealing with my pain. I feel...paralysed, like my body does not care what its doing. I feel emotionally frozen, but in turmoil. I feel so vulnerable, every harsh word digs into me like barbs. I feel suspicious, always second guessing what someone is saying, doing, thinking, feeling. Especially him. I can't get him out of my head.
I am frightened for myself. Sometimes I don't remember huge patches of time. Sometimes I wake up to find my sleeves soaked in blood, and something worse underneath, with no recollection of actually taking the blade to my skin. Sometimes...it is almost impossible to stop myself from downing 60 sleeping tablets, or slitting my throat. Those kinds of thoughts scare me. Because I know that I would do it if in the right mood.
I am in pain.
So much pain.
Everything I touch turns to shit. Everyone I love leaves me. Because I push them away. I pushed him away. And now I'm in agony.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Time to make a change
Well...where to start? I'm not very good at introductions, or at selling my personality and attributes to people, so I don't know really what to say. What is interesting enough?
I'm also not very good at talking about things, expressing my thoughts and feelings and whatnot. So I'm hoping that maybe I can change that because it's not working very well for me. I'm really hoping to make some big changes; I would like to become a better person for my friends, my family, and myself. I would like to grow and bloom, I think it's long overdue.
Because I'm not very good at having D&M's, I thought maybe I could start with a blog, to practice with the whole 'opening up' thing. I have a lot of secrets that I don't want to keep anymore. I have a lot of fears that I won't to get over. I just need to - free myself? Free myself from demons I can't even see. Let's see how that goes.
So..normal stuff? Introductions...
My name is Georgi...I am 23 years old, but some days I feel about 90 haha. I live with my boyfriend Geoff, or for tax purposes...my de-facto, but that has to be one of the shite-est titles I've ever heard so I don't use it. Can you imagine introducing your boyfriend like that? "Hi, this is my de-facto, Geoff." It's like being labelled as living in sin because we're not married. But we still have to pay taxes like we are. The government is fucked. Like how gay couples are allowed to be considered de-facto so that the Government can leach more money out of them, but they're not allowed to marry? Democracy at it's best.
Anyway...hmm.. I'm just about to start a new job at Officeworks. I'm excited and nervous and on the verge of vomiting on a daily basis haha. I shouldn't laugh. I don't like starting over, change scares me because I don't like the unknown. But I am excited and dare I say it - optimistic, about starting there. I haven't met many people but the few I've met are so friendly and open, that I can't help but feel easy. I just hope it isn't a false sense of security. I've had to leave a job because of bullying and harrassment, I don't really want to go through it again. But it is good that I have Monica and Sharon there to help me through, and they've both assured me that everyone is really nice to each other.
I really hate discrimination. You would think that, with everybody's differences we would all be a little more tolerant of each other. There are like...6 billion people in this world, and not one of us is the same as the other. But still, people pick on others - your skin colour is wrong, your eye colour is wrong, you don't wear the right clothes, you don't speak the right language, you don't think the right thoughts and you don't believe in the right God.
I really get down on that. I really hate being the target of discrimination and it pains me to think of the 'minority' groups who get it a lot worse. Tell me...why are black people a 'minority' group when there are more black people than white people? When technically, we are all decended from black ansestors?
I still remember one of my friends telling me I was going to go to hell, even though it was probably over 4 years ago now. I'm going to hell because I don't believe in God? Which God??? Is it the Buddha's, Hindu's, Muslims and Protestants going to hell and the Christians going to heaven because their God is the right one?? Or is it the Christians, Muslims, Hindu's and Buddists going to hell because the Protestants God is the real one? To be brutally honest - I don't care what you believe, I really don't. You are entitled to believe whatever you want as long as it gets you through the day. But don't push your beliefs on me. Religious people tend to hate it when atheists spout off that God isn't real or whatever. Well...atheists don't like it when Christians or Catholics or whoever, try to tell them what they should believe. I am an 'Athiest' because I am not in a religion. I don't follow a doctrine, a scroll, or a bible. I don't assign myself to a God. I don't give a shit whether the world was created by God or the Big Bang. I don't believe in other lives, or Heaven or Hell, because quite frankly I only want to live one life and make the most out of that one that I can. I believe religion causes war more than all the other causes put togethor. I believe religion is the number one incitor of hate. Look at the ongoing war between North Ireland and Ireland, the hate wars in Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran, look what happened in the last 8 years of American history after religion and politics became one and the same. Look at the war on your own doorstep, when you close your minds to other people solely because they do not believe the same thing as you. Hate will tear humanity apart. I don't NOT believe, I just don't believe what you want me to believe. Deal with it.
Well, that was a larger rant than I expected.
Something more light?
I love music...I feel deprived of sustenance if I don't listen to music every day. Tori Amos is my goddess, if her music was water I would immerse myself in it and never get out. I do feel that her music has saved my life - which I sometimes love her for, and sometimes hate her for. I've seen her in concert 3 times. Once in 2005 on the BeeKeeper tour, and twice in 2007 on her American Doll Posse tour. I met her on the American Doll Posse tour and it was one of the best experiences of my life. She was so lovely and nice to me even though she'd already been standing outside for 4 or 5 hours. So lucky. I like a whole lot of other music and artists, but nothing that has ever touched me like Tori Amos. I love to sing, which is probably a real shame for the people around me because I don't think I'm very good.
I love animals and nature. If our earth didn't have so many beautiful things, I don't think I'd still be here. I don't care for cities, or the worlds tallest building, bridge, ferris wheel, whatever. Man can never top the beauty of nature and what she has been able to create in the billions of years before we even existed. Human beings have a huge preoccupation with size, bigger is better and all that jazz. But some of the most beautiful and amazing things are tiny... the shiny transparency of a dragonfly's wing, the many tiny stips that build up into a blade of grass, the billions of colours that reflection off a tiny but of snow. And nature has full command of the mammoths too...the Himalayas, the Oceans, the Sahara Desert, the Blue Whale. Man can never compare, but they will continue to kill themselves trying. If they can't compare, they try to conquer.
I love my pets, even Bosley the devil cat and his sharp claws and gnashing teeth. Francie is my girl, my stupid intelligent Beagle. Beagle's are the best dogs...you should get one if you want your house torn apart and your backyard destroyed and your heart melted. My other beagle Woodsie is an anchient relic at 16. She's a grumpy, sweet little shit. Boots is my neurotic 13 year old Border Collie/Kelpie who can also be found at Mum's feet wherever she goes. Alleycat is my beautiful sweet affectionate but aloof cat who saved me in Warrnambool as much as I saved her. Bosley is the devil but it doesn't stop you wanting to stick a pole in him and mop the floor with all his fur. And Benkei is my geriatric rat at the ripe old age of 2.5, who loves nothing better than sleeping and eating like all good rats love to do. I can't imagine not having a multitude of pets in my life. My dogs are better friends than most people. They are there when nobody else is.
I'm excited for August to come around because I am waiting for the arrival or my first neice or nephew. I only have one sibling - my sister, so any nieces and nephews I get are extra precious. I am sad that my sister lives 4 hours away and therefore will not be able to see them as easily or often as I would like, but it would just mean that every visit is even more special. I think she is having a boy, but I would still of course be happy with either sex. I'm going to be the coolest Auntie in the world. Maybe not...but I'm still going to be awesome.
Well...I think that will do for the moment.
I'm also not very good at talking about things, expressing my thoughts and feelings and whatnot. So I'm hoping that maybe I can change that because it's not working very well for me. I'm really hoping to make some big changes; I would like to become a better person for my friends, my family, and myself. I would like to grow and bloom, I think it's long overdue.
Because I'm not very good at having D&M's, I thought maybe I could start with a blog, to practice with the whole 'opening up' thing. I have a lot of secrets that I don't want to keep anymore. I have a lot of fears that I won't to get over. I just need to - free myself? Free myself from demons I can't even see. Let's see how that goes.
So..normal stuff? Introductions...
My name is Georgi...I am 23 years old, but some days I feel about 90 haha. I live with my boyfriend Geoff, or for tax purposes...my de-facto, but that has to be one of the shite-est titles I've ever heard so I don't use it. Can you imagine introducing your boyfriend like that? "Hi, this is my de-facto, Geoff." It's like being labelled as living in sin because we're not married. But we still have to pay taxes like we are. The government is fucked. Like how gay couples are allowed to be considered de-facto so that the Government can leach more money out of them, but they're not allowed to marry? Democracy at it's best.
Anyway...hmm.. I'm just about to start a new job at Officeworks. I'm excited and nervous and on the verge of vomiting on a daily basis haha. I shouldn't laugh. I don't like starting over, change scares me because I don't like the unknown. But I am excited and dare I say it - optimistic, about starting there. I haven't met many people but the few I've met are so friendly and open, that I can't help but feel easy. I just hope it isn't a false sense of security. I've had to leave a job because of bullying and harrassment, I don't really want to go through it again. But it is good that I have Monica and Sharon there to help me through, and they've both assured me that everyone is really nice to each other.
I really hate discrimination. You would think that, with everybody's differences we would all be a little more tolerant of each other. There are like...6 billion people in this world, and not one of us is the same as the other. But still, people pick on others - your skin colour is wrong, your eye colour is wrong, you don't wear the right clothes, you don't speak the right language, you don't think the right thoughts and you don't believe in the right God.
I really get down on that. I really hate being the target of discrimination and it pains me to think of the 'minority' groups who get it a lot worse. Tell me...why are black people a 'minority' group when there are more black people than white people? When technically, we are all decended from black ansestors?
I still remember one of my friends telling me I was going to go to hell, even though it was probably over 4 years ago now. I'm going to hell because I don't believe in God? Which God??? Is it the Buddha's, Hindu's, Muslims and Protestants going to hell and the Christians going to heaven because their God is the right one?? Or is it the Christians, Muslims, Hindu's and Buddists going to hell because the Protestants God is the real one? To be brutally honest - I don't care what you believe, I really don't. You are entitled to believe whatever you want as long as it gets you through the day. But don't push your beliefs on me. Religious people tend to hate it when atheists spout off that God isn't real or whatever. Well...atheists don't like it when Christians or Catholics or whoever, try to tell them what they should believe. I am an 'Athiest' because I am not in a religion. I don't follow a doctrine, a scroll, or a bible. I don't assign myself to a God. I don't give a shit whether the world was created by God or the Big Bang. I don't believe in other lives, or Heaven or Hell, because quite frankly I only want to live one life and make the most out of that one that I can. I believe religion causes war more than all the other causes put togethor. I believe religion is the number one incitor of hate. Look at the ongoing war between North Ireland and Ireland, the hate wars in Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran, look what happened in the last 8 years of American history after religion and politics became one and the same. Look at the war on your own doorstep, when you close your minds to other people solely because they do not believe the same thing as you. Hate will tear humanity apart. I don't NOT believe, I just don't believe what you want me to believe. Deal with it.
Well, that was a larger rant than I expected.
Something more light?
I love music...I feel deprived of sustenance if I don't listen to music every day. Tori Amos is my goddess, if her music was water I would immerse myself in it and never get out. I do feel that her music has saved my life - which I sometimes love her for, and sometimes hate her for. I've seen her in concert 3 times. Once in 2005 on the BeeKeeper tour, and twice in 2007 on her American Doll Posse tour. I met her on the American Doll Posse tour and it was one of the best experiences of my life. She was so lovely and nice to me even though she'd already been standing outside for 4 or 5 hours. So lucky. I like a whole lot of other music and artists, but nothing that has ever touched me like Tori Amos. I love to sing, which is probably a real shame for the people around me because I don't think I'm very good.
I love animals and nature. If our earth didn't have so many beautiful things, I don't think I'd still be here. I don't care for cities, or the worlds tallest building, bridge, ferris wheel, whatever. Man can never top the beauty of nature and what she has been able to create in the billions of years before we even existed. Human beings have a huge preoccupation with size, bigger is better and all that jazz. But some of the most beautiful and amazing things are tiny... the shiny transparency of a dragonfly's wing, the many tiny stips that build up into a blade of grass, the billions of colours that reflection off a tiny but of snow. And nature has full command of the mammoths too...the Himalayas, the Oceans, the Sahara Desert, the Blue Whale. Man can never compare, but they will continue to kill themselves trying. If they can't compare, they try to conquer.
I love my pets, even Bosley the devil cat and his sharp claws and gnashing teeth. Francie is my girl, my stupid intelligent Beagle. Beagle's are the best dogs...you should get one if you want your house torn apart and your backyard destroyed and your heart melted. My other beagle Woodsie is an anchient relic at 16. She's a grumpy, sweet little shit. Boots is my neurotic 13 year old Border Collie/Kelpie who can also be found at Mum's feet wherever she goes. Alleycat is my beautiful sweet affectionate but aloof cat who saved me in Warrnambool as much as I saved her. Bosley is the devil but it doesn't stop you wanting to stick a pole in him and mop the floor with all his fur. And Benkei is my geriatric rat at the ripe old age of 2.5, who loves nothing better than sleeping and eating like all good rats love to do. I can't imagine not having a multitude of pets in my life. My dogs are better friends than most people. They are there when nobody else is.
I'm excited for August to come around because I am waiting for the arrival or my first neice or nephew. I only have one sibling - my sister, so any nieces and nephews I get are extra precious. I am sad that my sister lives 4 hours away and therefore will not be able to see them as easily or often as I would like, but it would just mean that every visit is even more special. I think she is having a boy, but I would still of course be happy with either sex. I'm going to be the coolest Auntie in the world. Maybe not...but I'm still going to be awesome.
Well...I think that will do for the moment.
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