I am in pain.
So much pain that it takes my breath away as if I've been punched hard in the stomach. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and I am not strong enough to keep it up. I don't know any more; the distinction between physical and emotional pain because it is all intertwined. Heartache has wrapped itself around me like a vine and I cannot for the life of me escape it. I am overwhelmed.
I feel...rejected, discarded, thrown away. I feel burdened, overcome, despairing. Unruly, unstable, uneasy. I feel utterly incapable of dealing with my pain. I feel...paralysed, like my body does not care what its doing. I feel emotionally frozen, but in turmoil. I feel so vulnerable, every harsh word digs into me like barbs. I feel suspicious, always second guessing what someone is saying, doing, thinking, feeling. Especially him. I can't get him out of my head.
I am frightened for myself. Sometimes I don't remember huge patches of time. Sometimes I wake up to find my sleeves soaked in blood, and something worse underneath, with no recollection of actually taking the blade to my skin. Sometimes...it is almost impossible to stop myself from downing 60 sleeping tablets, or slitting my throat. Those kinds of thoughts scare me. Because I know that I would do it if in the right mood.
I am in pain.
So much pain.

Everything I touch turns to shit. Everyone I love leaves me. Because I push them away. I pushed him away. And now I'm in agony.